Help Wanted

I saw in the paper this week that there is going to be a job open soon that I would really like to have.  This almost never happens, as the jobs are usually for hard-working people to work hard for little pay doing things I'm not qualified to do or capable of doing.  Jobs like running an office or driving an 18 wheeler or welding or teaching college chemistry.  The jobs I'm qualified for come advertised in Physical Therapy Today magazine, and in the never-ending mailers for physical therapy jobs that are miraculously always available.  I'm lucky to have a career that has not suffered during the current recesssion, and I know it.

But there is an opening as the Manager of the Cubs that really inerests me.  I think I could do a very good job as manager of the Cubs, and I could certainly do as well as any of the previous managers.  Also my kids would stop complaining when I have to bring work home.  Instead of "Mom, can you please stop making phone calls and come play basketball?"  It would be "Mom, can you call Carlos Silva to come over for a meeting and then he can throw me some batting practice?" 

I see many other advantages as well.  First, of course, I'd get to see every Cubs game.  Heck, I'd have the best seats in the house.  Two, I would likely make more money than I do now.  But I'd take a very low managers' salary just for the first year.  I would promise to take a very very low salary until we win our first World Series and then I'd ask for a big raise! 

I would not need an interpreter to talk to the players from Venezuela or the Dominican Republic.  I can swear in Spanish like a Spanish Sailor.  (Last night at Jeremiah's AJB game the ump made the 3rd terrible call at first base in a row and I said "carajo!" not knowing that one of our coaches lived in New Mexico and speaks good cursing Spanish too.  He gave me a look.  I said "What?  It's not that bad.  I can do worse if you want."  He said, "I can do that too."  Then we went back to the business of watching the game and mumbling quietly in polite English about the ump.)

I think those players need a mother figure at the game.  That would be me.  The bench coaches can do the tobacco-spitting and pitching technique teaching stuff.  I would just set the line-up, give them a pep talk before each game, and decide if they get a time-out or take away their TV time if they behave badly.  Also I would do the interviews with the press. 

It really does make sense.  I wonder how I can get them to look at my resume.